Welcome to a New Phase

Settling into Baltimore still. It's so weird that I don't have a job right now, and honestly I feel like a useless blob. I know I have things to do, there's definitely no shortage of housework. But I feel less important to other people now. I'm not paid to do anything, I don't have as many demands on my time, and if I wanted to I could sit on the couch watching soaps and eating Bonbons. Except soaps aren't my thing; I'm much more likely to waste time playing LEGO video games and looking up things I saw people claiming to be true on Facebook.

But maybe this is just one of my periods where I'm feeling blue. I keep telling myself that this is just a phase, that in a few months or next year this phase will be over, and I will once again feel that I am somehow contributing to society. Not that I don't contribute to society at all, but those of you who have gone from working to not working probably know what I'm talking about. So I will probably feel better about myself in a few weeks, or when I get my crap together mentally and physically. I want to have events on my calendar. I want friends. I want my autistic son to stop being so ridiculously stubborn.

I feel like the world easily goes on turning without me. I know I make a difference in the lives of my family members, but that impact isn't quite what I want it to be. For one thing, I have depression. I have trouble with motivation. It comes in spurts, and I'm trying to figure out how to cue those spurts. So I've taken up coffee (cream and sugar, please!). Downsizing the household by over 600 square feet gave me lots to do, but I'm still struggling with motivation. I have to break things down into super small pieces for things to feel manageable to me. I often think "what's the point in doing xyz anyway?" Like cleaning. Everything gets messy again so fast. I'd rather maintain some messy than drive myself nuts cleaning all day, every day to maintain spotless. But it's easier to clean (in my opinion) when things are mostly clean already.

And this motivation issue is one reason depression absolutely sucks. Also: I think I may have Asperger's. More on that one later.